and i'll belong to you if you'll just let me through
by serenacampbell
Summary: Serena can't come back with Bernie to Africa. So what now?


**I just rly wanted to explore what a conversation about the future might go like and all feelingy shit, inspired by the latest trailers (OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM GONNA DIE)**

 **Enjoy x**

 **(Also the title comes from As Lovers Go by Dashboard Confessional bc I was listening to that when I thought of this)**

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Serena can't remember the last time she was in this position — sat cross-legged on the floor, almost as a child again. Her knees surely aren't made for this, and she's not quite sure how she'll get up again. Not sure she wants to, if she's honest, because she's woman she's sat on the floor facing is Bernie Wolfe, and if she gets up she's not sure if they will ever be here again.

Her palms are facing upwards on her knees. It hadn't been intentional, but in the back of her mind she hears an old lecturer boring on about open posture and how body language speaks a thousand words. She wonders what words she is currently speaking to Bernie, what she is construing from the situation. Wonders if she understands, or if she is misreading the entire thing, her brain whirring out of control with doubts and insecurities.

See, this morning Bernie had surprised her at work by returning from Nairobi, with the ultimate aim of taking Serena back with her when she returned. But with all that was going on with Jason, Serena couldn't possibly leave him to fend for himself now. Which prompted the question: where do they go from here?

Bernie shuffles slightly before her, her eyes anywhere but Serena's, clearly waiting for her to say something. The silence around them is like a cocoon, shielding them from the outside room, giving them the privacy they need. She can't think of anything to say anyway, really, can't think where to start. All she really wants to say is:

"I love you."

Bernie looks up from beneath her fringe, the usual blush that comes with Serena uttering those words brightening her cheeks.

"I know you do."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either, it's just..." Bernie trails off, her eyes wandering to the ceiling.

"I miss you. I'm constantly distracted by thoughts of you, of what you're doing, of how you're feeling, of if you're missing me as much as I do you. It's like a hole in my chest."

"I know," Serena interjects, her voice tight. "I know because I feel the same."

"I don't know how I can go on like this, but at the same time..."

Serena wants to reach a hand forward, to cover Bernie's, but waits for her to speak.

"Even if we separate, I don't think it's going to change that, really. I'm still going to miss you, I'm still going to want you there in everything I do. Separating won't stop me loving you."

Serena swallows, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue.

"I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy when I'm with you."

Serena pauses, and before she can gather her thoughts Bernie speaks again.

"Are you lonely, Serena?"

She's somewhat taken aback by the question, has never really thought about it before.

"Sometimes."

Bernie looks at her, willing her to elaborate.

"It's the nights that are the hardest," she confesses. "Even though we only had a few months together, I've been so used to having you at my side, our little bedtime conversations, your warmth, your arms around me. I feel so cold."

Her face warms in a smile, and Bernie smiles too, her gaze softening.

"I don't half miss fucking you too, if I'm honest," she adds with a slight smirk. Bernie raises her eyebrows, and suddenly the two are giggling like teenagers, hands reaching out unconsciously and fingers linking together, as if this little confession has reminded them that they mustn't waste a second where they could be touching one another.

"I have to say, that has crossed my mind a time or two," Bernie grins. "Well, more than that. I'll end up with carpal tunnel if I go on as I am."

"Not the best, for a surgeon," Serena quips.

"Like you haven't been up to the same! I know you, Serena Campbell. You're filthy."

Serena tries her best to look offended. "It takes one to know one, darling."

A beat, and they're both dissolving into giggles again, Bernie swatting at Serena's thigh in mock annoyance.

"That aside," Serena continues, composing herself. "I miss the other things too. Waking up, getting ready for work. Going shopping together. Arguing about what type of bread we're getting."

"I still maintain that Warburton's Toastie Loaf takes the crown."

"Rubbish. Hovis Seven Seeds is the clear winner here."

"Seeded bread is dangerous. I lost a filling once because of one of those."

Serena shakes her head fondly. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Never." Bernie winks, and Serena laughs.

"If I'd have known you were coming I'd have got you some Toastie Loaf. I'm afraid it's seeded for breakfast in the morning."

"Damn. Wish I'd booked a bed and breakfast now," she jests. Serena raises her eyebrows.

"You've a cheek." She tries to say it seriously, fails.

"You're cute when you're annoyed." Bernie lifts Serena's hand, presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

"I'll annoy you in a minute," Serena retorts, and Bernie laughs softly, her breath tickling Serena's arm.

"Sorry. I'll be serious." She mocks a straight face, and Serena shakes her head, tugs her forward by her arms, leans up slightly on her knees to press a quick kiss to her nose.

"You're making it very difficult to have this conversation, my love."

"I know, I'm sorry." Bernie looks away, definitely serious now. "It's just hard. I mean, this is so natural, so easy. We just fit together."

"You know, I've never believed in soul mates," Serena states quietly, her heart fluttering. "Until I met you."

Bernie pauses at this. This is more serious a declaration than they've ever managed to come to before.

"I've always believed in it," Bernie says softly, squeezing Serena's hand. "And each time I've fallen in love, I've wondered if perhaps they were the one. But I've never been absolutely certain, until now."

They're silent for several moments, perhaps even as long as a few minutes, taking in their words.

"You know," Serena decides to continue, decides she wants to be absolutely honest with Bernie about the depth of her feelings. "When you buggered off to Ukraine, I said to—" She swallows, her gut jolting at the memory of her lost friend. "I said to Raf that you had turned my life upside down. But now... I feel like it was upside down to begin with, and that you righted it. I think it just took me a while to see it."

She watches as Bernie's eyes begin to glisten with tears, feels herself welling up.

"I've never felt so alive, so content." She clears her throat. "I've never told you this before, but when Hanssen first came to me with the proposal, I didn't want to go." She looks down at their joined hands with a sigh. "My whole life, I've had this... wanderlust. An uncontrollable urge to see the world, to explore every possible edge. Even with Marcus and the kids, it was hard to leave them but the curiosity took over; I couldn't resist. And then there I was, with a woman I had barely known six months and that I wasn't even completely sure was into me, and willing to turn down the opportunity for a new experience all for her. For you." She looks up, meets the wonder in Serena's eyes. "And it terrified me. I've always valued my independence, above everything, and suddenly I didn't care about that any more. I think that's part of why I forced myself to leave: I thought I'd be gaining more of myself by leaving, by fending for myself again, but really I just lost it. I didn't know what to do without you."

Serena takes a shaky breath, grasping Bernie's hands as if she might run away should she loosen her grip.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Her voice breaks at the end, and Bernie brings her hands up to her lips again, kisses her knuckles, murmurs reassurance against them.

"You don't have to be without me. We can do this."

"You're not happy." She stops, a tear leaking down her cheek. "Neither of us are."

"We'll find a way." Bernie's doubt has gone now. It's in her nature, really, that protective instinct that immediately alerts her to her priority. And seeing Serena upset, knowing she doesn't want this to end, brings out the fighting spirit in her.

"How?" Serena sobs, shaking her head. "You said yourself, you don't know how to go on like this."

"But, Serena." Bernie looks to the ceiling, searches for words. "We just need to look for better ways to connect."

"Like sending photos of our breakfast with no explanation whatsoever?"

Bernie chuckles, blushes. "It reminded me of home, of you, of our lazy Sunday mornings."

Serena smiles, brushing her thumbs over Bernie's knuckles. "So why didn't you say that?"

"I don't know." Bernie sighs. "Anyways, you're not much better."

Serena looks away. "I know, I know. I just feel like you're so busy that I'd be annoying you." Bernie's eyes widen sadly, her mouth opening.

"No, no. Never. Serena, I'll always have time for you. I'm never happier than when I look at my phone and see a message from you. I'd sit there and chat to you all day if I could."

"Maybe we should go about setting some time out of each of our days just for us?"

Bernie considers. "Will that work? We both have such hectic schedules."

"We don't have to stick to it religiously. Or we could just promise to be open when we're missing each other, to reach out."

"That sounds like a nice plan. You promise?"

"I do." Serena smiles. "I shall bombard you with text messages from here on in."

"I'll look forward to it." Bernie nods triumphantly. "And with regards to when you plan to come to Nairobi?"

Serena is taken aback by the question, sighs. "I don't know." Her shoulders sag. "I need to be here for Jason, for now at least, until they're up on their feet. I'll make sure to visit regularly, though."

Bernie takes a deep breath, nods slowly. "That's okay. I understand. And I will visit here too."

"Is that enough?"

They both take a moment. Will it be enough? Neither of them are sure, if they're honest with themselves. Are they making a mistake?

"It will have to be enough," Bernie says eventually. "For now. We won't go on like this forever, will we?"

Serena shakes her head adamantly. "No, we won't. One way or another, we will be together." She's starting to believe it now, relaxes a little.

"I'll always wait for you." Bernie pauses, then smiles bashfully. "It sounds cliche, but sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for you my entire life. I can wait a little longer."

Serena stares at her, then chuckles. "The most cliche thing you've ever said, dear." Bernie pouts, and Serena resolves to kiss it from her lips. "But thank you." She goes to lean forward, but decides her knees won't take that angle. She knows Bernie is more agile, though, so tugs the other woman towards her until their lips meet. It's soft, chaste, the kind of kiss that makes her head spin. A far cry from their desperate, almost frantic kiss this morning. Bernie's lips are exactly as she remembered, yet better at the same times. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, she supposes. But with so much absence ahead of them, she can't help but wonder if that saying will hold true.

For now she trusts in Bernie, though, in the strength of their love. They both want to try, and that's the main thing. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Bernie pulls back slightly, jerking her hair out of her eyes. "And, you know, if Holby ever plans to reinstate their trauma unit and needs someone to head it up..."

"You'll be first on the list." Serena grins. "I'll make sure of it."

"That's settled then."

"And in the meantime?"

"In the meantime you'll be getting a lot of texts from me."

"Perfect."

"And no more random photos."

Serena starts to agree, but then arches an eyebrow, looking Bernie up and down. "Well, if we're doing the whole _open_ thing, there are some photos I wouldn't object to."

Bernie frowns, then realises. "Ah, and just how _open_ would you like that to be?"

Serena giggles, leaning her lips forward to Bernie's ear.

"How about we go upstairs and I'll show you?"

Serena has never seen Bernie move so fast.

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 **Let me know if you enjoyed!**


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